Keiri Kuro
Today, it was very nice out despite it being windy, so I decided to take my doggy for a walk. I was so happy to get out of the house and walk through the park to think. My dog was very excited as well... He loves walks, because he get's to smell everything. He's so difficult to walk because he's a large dog, and is able to pull me. He's cute though. I love him a lot.
I finally got my medicine after five days without taking it, so my body is going crazy. My head hurts, I'm very dizzy, and I feel really close to tears. I hate when I don't get my medicine. It's like I'm going back to the past all over again. Okay, I'm going to explain my past to all of you very clearly, so I don't feel like I'm living a lie.
My family isn't exactly the "ideal" family, a lot of people think we are. My father is an alcoholic, and my siblings aren't exactly sane... They are getting better though, thanks to their children. The only person, I can 100% count on is my mother. She does so much for me and I'm grateful. My older brother and sister went through depression and have tried to commit suicide numerous of times... I'm not sure if that is what messed me up, or when my father's alcoholism turned him into a whole new person. He cheated on my mother, and alienated everyone in the family except me. If he doesn't get his act together that is about to change. The way he's acting at the moment, is pissing me off. He does absolutely nothing, but drink and go out with his friends. I take care of myself, and I'm not even fully an adult yet... I take care of HIM. I wonder why I have the need to try and make him change, because it's never going to happen.
Anyways, those are probably the reasons that caused me to get depression, and anxiety as well as my brother and sister. Of course it runs in the family too... A few years ago, I was at an absolute low point in my life where I thought, "Why do I exist?" "What do people live for?" "Why do I bother getting up in the morning?" It got so bad, that I stopped going to school. I barely attended school in the beginning of high school, which caused me to lose all of my friends except one. I've fucked up so many relationships with people that I can't even count. I wonder to myself, why I hurt the only people who could possibly help me through that time of life. I apologize to all of them for that. I wish them the best, even though we probably won't become friends ever again. In the beginning of high school, I started being a partier and a slut... Not because I wanted attention, but simply for the fact I didn't care. Sometime after that, I tried to commit suicide... Why the fuck did I? I'm not too sure myself. It wasn't to hurt those around me... I'm not even sure I knew I was hurting anyone. I just thought irrationally and thought "Fuck it, this is pointless, I don't want to be here." When I was in the hospital half unconscious, I heard my mom sobbing and wondering what she did wrong... At that moment, I knew I would never worry her again and try my best in life to succeed. I don't ever like seeing my mother sad. In fact I hate it. If I could make her smile all the time I would. If I could take away all the pain and sadness, my so-called father has given her, I would in a second. I feel so worthless not being able to do anything.
After I got my medication for depression and anxiety I started gradually becoming happier. These past two years, I've been thinking hard. Very hard. I want to make a difference in the world and leave behind something I can be proud of... Something my mother will be proud of. My family means the world to me... Yes, that includes my "father." I love them all to death.
Also, I want to thank all of my friends for their support. If you've read all of this and wish to stop talking to me because you think I'm crazy, that's okay. I'm sorry I've disappointed you and am not the person you think I am. If you still wish to be friends, I'm so happy about that. I love you all so much and don't worry about me, I'm so much happier than I was. I won't try anything like what I did in the past again. I want to be someone you all can go to if you need help or advice. I want to be trusted with the real, "you."
Despite all that's happened, I'm still able to smile. It's because of my friends and family. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Kaylee Frances
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