Takeru from SuG ^^
Lady Gaga ^^
Yamamoto Yusuke ^^
Kim Jaejoong ^^
Kaylee Frances
Keiri Kuro
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I watched MYV's live webcast yesterday, and it put me in high spirits for some reason. It's funny, because if you listen to what he's saying, it's always something really cheesy, like "We are one!" or some other motivational speech. I guess it's great he can stay so positive though. It looks like he's doing a lot better than he was last year. I bought the DVD yesterday, so it should get here in a week or so. I'm pretty excited for it honestly.
This is totally random, but the other day I heard this girl flat out saying she doesn't like Miyavi anymore. I asked her why and her response was "He got married and had a kid." What the fuck? I could handle it if you said, oh he's just changed so much... But, seriously? Like you'd have a chance with him, ever. Yes, I'm a fan girl of him, but to an extent. I think he has great style, music, passion and looks. Despite how much he's changed over the years, I always remain a fan and I always will. If he's happy, the more power to him.
Anyways, my arm feels like it's going to fall off. I brought my guitar from my mom's over here, since I'm doing the Miyavi contest. It was about a mile walk and the guitar and case is fucking heavy! Maybe, I'm just extremely weak, but it felt heavy to me. I better start working out... I'm very disappointed in how my brother treated it though. I mean I let him borrow it and it's all dusty. It bugs me how he treats my things like trash. My guitar is the only nice thing I own besides my record player.
I found my tie-dye shirt, which makes me extremely happy. I love that shirt. I may dress visual kei most of the time, but I think I'm a hippie at heart. After all, I was raised by hippies. We own a Volkswagen and everything. Sometimes, I just want to take it and drive down to San Francisco! Haha, of course with flowers in my hair. I wish I could be as care free as a hippie. Just live in my bus and go where the road takes me.
Stay happy, because I love you.
Kaylee Frances
Monday, March 22, 2010
Today, it was very nice out despite it being windy, so I decided to take my doggy for a walk. I was so happy to get out of the house and walk through the park to think. My dog was very excited as well... He loves walks, because he get's to smell everything. He's so difficult to walk because he's a large dog, and is able to pull me. He's cute though. I love him a lot.
I finally got my medicine after five days without taking it, so my body is going crazy. My head hurts, I'm very dizzy, and I feel really close to tears. I hate when I don't get my medicine. It's like I'm going back to the past all over again. Okay, I'm going to explain my past to all of you very clearly, so I don't feel like I'm living a lie.
My family isn't exactly the "ideal" family, a lot of people think we are. My father is an alcoholic, and my siblings aren't exactly sane... They are getting better though, thanks to their children. The only person, I can 100% count on is my mother. She does so much for me and I'm grateful. My older brother and sister went through depression and have tried to commit suicide numerous of times... I'm not sure if that is what messed me up, or when my father's alcoholism turned him into a whole new person. He cheated on my mother, and alienated everyone in the family except me. If he doesn't get his act together that is about to change. The way he's acting at the moment, is pissing me off. He does absolutely nothing, but drink and go out with his friends. I take care of myself, and I'm not even fully an adult yet... I take care of HIM. I wonder why I have the need to try and make him change, because it's never going to happen.
Anyways, those are probably the reasons that caused me to get depression, and anxiety as well as my brother and sister. Of course it runs in the family too... A few years ago, I was at an absolute low point in my life where I thought, "Why do I exist?" "What do people live for?" "Why do I bother getting up in the morning?" It got so bad, that I stopped going to school. I barely attended school in the beginning of high school, which caused me to lose all of my friends except one. I've fucked up so many relationships with people that I can't even count. I wonder to myself, why I hurt the only people who could possibly help me through that time of life. I apologize to all of them for that. I wish them the best, even though we probably won't become friends ever again. In the beginning of high school, I started being a partier and a slut... Not because I wanted attention, but simply for the fact I didn't care. Sometime after that, I tried to commit suicide... Why the fuck did I? I'm not too sure myself. It wasn't to hurt those around me... I'm not even sure I knew I was hurting anyone. I just thought irrationally and thought "Fuck it, this is pointless, I don't want to be here." When I was in the hospital half unconscious, I heard my mom sobbing and wondering what she did wrong... At that moment, I knew I would never worry her again and try my best in life to succeed. I don't ever like seeing my mother sad. In fact I hate it. If I could make her smile all the time I would. If I could take away all the pain and sadness, my so-called father has given her, I would in a second. I feel so worthless not being able to do anything.
After I got my medication for depression and anxiety I started gradually becoming happier. These past two years, I've been thinking hard. Very hard. I want to make a difference in the world and leave behind something I can be proud of... Something my mother will be proud of. My family means the world to me... Yes, that includes my "father." I love them all to death.
Also, I want to thank all of my friends for their support. If you've read all of this and wish to stop talking to me because you think I'm crazy, that's okay. I'm sorry I've disappointed you and am not the person you think I am. If you still wish to be friends, I'm so happy about that. I love you all so much and don't worry about me, I'm so much happier than I was. I won't try anything like what I did in the past again. I want to be someone you all can go to if you need help or advice. I want to be trusted with the real, "you."
Despite all that's happened, I'm still able to smile. It's because of my friends and family. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Kaylee Frances
Friday, March 12, 2010
Omo, I'm even more busy than I was in the last post! I've been working a lot and helping my mom move into her new apartment. I also just finished up some school exams and I'm starting new classes this week. I just applied to Calvin College, (local) for Advanced Japanese classes, I'll start this fall and hopefully I'll get my Japanese better than it already is.
Japan, here I come! I'm going to Japan from June-August 2010. Don't worry I'm coming back one last time before I go to University! Well, I will come back later for family visits of course. It's so exciting! I get to look at all of the different Universities in Tokyo and decide which one I like the best. I also get to meet everyone I've met through facebook/myspace, that live over there. I'm so happy about all of this, I'm crying right now! I mean everything I wanted in life is falling into place. I feel extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to meet all of you and work with J-Rock Revolution/Nippon Project. It's been so wonderful to learn new things about the world and music.
Okay, on another note. My cat is getting really fat. I know that's extremely random, but I mean he's not that old yet! This time last year he was just a little baby and now..... He also loves my dad more than me. Come on Percy! I take care of ya! You could at least show gratitude instead of scratching my face. I mean he even sleeps on my dad! What a loser! If he doesn't want to love me, my dog and I will form an outcast group. Only Percy and my dad are in the "cool club." Stingy cat!
You know, I have a problem of using the correct form of "than" and "then" in a sentence. So, uhhh, if anyone could point out if I made a mistake, that'd be chill.
Kaylee Frances